Tipping

Beware, this may be a sensitive issue for some.

Frequently I’ve enjoyed a fine meal out with friends, a few naughty drinks and cheeky laughs to only have it all fall horribly flat when the bill comes crashing down on the table. The good banter turns to deafening insults because my friends can’t seem come to grips with the fact that I don’t tip! I don’t mean to sound like Steve Busheme in ‘Reservoir Dogs’ but I just can’t do it.

You see, I’m not one for following social etiquette when it can’t be justified and tipping in Australia, I’ve discovered, can’t be justified. If I were in America where it’s part of the system I can accept the unfortunate position that that system puts some workers in, and therefore I can justify tipping. But here?

The first criticism I want to deal with is that I’m not tight. I give to buskers, beggars, charities and little Adi in Indonesia once a month. So I feel that such a charge isn’t fair, but more on this later.

I’ve found that most people haven’t even thought about this and how tipping slowly became the norm in many places. Therefore when I object, they always produce the same arguments. I’ll address these in their usual order:

‘They have to work at night, so tipping is how we reward them for their sacrifices’

Firstly, this makes them sound like Jesus except he, in all his glory, wouldn’t have wanted a reward. Secondly, who tips the night shift worker or the truck driver who delivers your petrol at night so you can conveniently fill your car and get to where you want to go? Also, didn’t these people accept the job knowing that they would be working at night?

‘But they have to deal with people as well’

So does the guy behind the McDonalds counter, who incidentally is probably paid less, yet no one feels compelled to tip him. Nor do people tip call centre workers who are consistently abused, or night shift service station employees who deal with the drunks once they’re kicked out of the bars.

‘But they aren’t paid much’

This is wrong in many cases. I have friends who’ve worked in hospitality and have been paid far more than me while having their incomes supplemented, by those paid less, due to the tipping etiquette. I’ve known people on the barest wages who’ve thrown in money to tip those paid nearly double their own salary.

‘What if you get good, even exceptional, service?’

So what you’re saying is that I should pay them more to do their job properly, otherwise they’ll feel compelled to treat me like crap? No one pays me more to do my job properly. Also, if you receive exceptional service should you be guilted into paying more? Maybe the menu should have options so that you can have a choice of whether you really want to pay more. Like: Chicken Parma $15, Stir-Fry Noodles $12 and Exceptional Service an extra $10.

‘You’re just a tight-arse!’

At this point (and it always gets to this point) I know I’ve won the debate. Unable to successfully justify tipping they predictably reach for insults. Then someone will always pipe up with:

‘Look, I’ll pay your part then….’

If I may psychoanalyse this, they’re really just saying ‘I’m so generous that I’ll even pay double!’ and the masses are supposed to view them with reverence. It’s more about them than the argument.

The worst development in bars in recent times has been the tip jar. There’s no room in a bar for exceptional service, and barely any time for interaction. You order your drink, they get it, you pay, they move on. Why should anyone feel they must tip for this meagre exchange?

Now be gentle guys.